July 31, 27:52
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Jude used the 6-digit color code from the computer color scheme that X person liked as a password.
#NHFP
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we are reincarnated together, across different selves, and i find in so many people i meet a vast multifield of interpossilation (interpolation, interpretation, possibility, to posit as possible)
…we are reincarnated together, across different selves, and i find in so many people i meet a vast multifield of interpossilation (interpolation, interpretation, possibility, to posit as possible)…
#Exgegesis
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the black stock market.
The Lottery of Babylon.
spooky action at a distance.
quantum stock
stock market in a quantum state,
…
people buying stock when they aren’t allowed to,
e.g. insider trading? what is insider trading’s definition?
what else, communists buying stock on the american or european stock markets surreptitiously, and only trading back and forth between themselves, like an external lottery.
lotteries.
number games.
what is a numbers gang. (numbers game, mafia, gang)
angels and gangs. a gang of angels. quires, choirs, the angel generelisimo. angels as messengers, ambasadors, angels on mission, direct democracy, the angels aree killing God.
the current God is an avatar from another planet who took over after an ultra-conservative archangel engeniers a 9/11 style suicide mission of himself into the throne of God, that he might be reborn on another planet,
maybe this arch-angel is in conversation with Jude, maybe they are both ultra-devout? doxical?
hyperorthodox?
hyperdox? truth more real then the original, or truth in the more than original.
Jude is a conservative, he conserves himself, his identity, in radical devoution and self-abnegation and horror and cockiness that no one hates himself m o r e then he hates himsse,lf, that he is the best sata`n (accuser of the divine court),
Heaven, Heavanic Nationalism, the angels and devils in a cia/KGB style spy war…maybe with an angel-agents realizing how much they (litteraly and philosophically) create Truths, in the sense of realities which transcend light cones/information cones?
The Angel Who Was Tuesday
#Titles
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Madison:
But what is government itself, but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself.
If Men were Angels.
O Zeal of Angels
#Titles
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examining what kinds of ‘~‘controls, internal and external,’~’ angels might have in governing themselves and others. angels get a bad rap i think, the devil is immidiately juxtaposed…
I remember as a kid struggling through the finer points of theology, constantly encountering adults who already knew less then I did about religion, history, etc, and being talked down to, in this weird defensive [matriarchal] way, this, now don’t go contradicting the old people, it makes them upset, and they’re so frail.
we (my family) treated old people so inhumanely, so othering, this toxic loving respecting blindeyeing, no wonder they go crazy, lacking all social pushback people tend to do.
maybe Jude is like that. miracles following where he goes, not necessarily being in charge of them, not mr. magic CEO of the universe for whom there is simply no friction between will and reality. what would that even mean—?—
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I remember as a kid struggling through the finer points of theology, constantly encountering adults who already knew less then I did about religion, history, etc, and being talked down to, in this weird defensive way, this, now don’t go contradicting the old people, it makes them upset, and they’re so frail.
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was the devil an evil god? a little god, yes, but was he God’s adversary? or was he michael’s adversary? God having an adversary with one of his own creations, especailly such a flat, smooth, Omnipotent Omniscient Omnibenevolent, like, oh yeah bitch? whcih one is he tripping on then?
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three part horn. like the horns re God creates morality/bound by morality. i don’t often see people go after omniscient. that could be fun, it i give it my own twisrt.
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!Read The Barrow will Send What it May by Margaret Killjoy
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“G=d is a schizophrenic.”
#Exegesis
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we (my family) treated old people so inhumanely, so othering, this toxic loving respecting blindeyeing, no wonder they go crazy, lacking all social pushback people tend to do.
maybe Jude is like that. miracles following where he goes, not necessarily being in charge of them, not mr. magic CEO of the universe for whom there is simply no friction between will and reality. what would that even mean ? I darent’ ask.
but no, Jude isn’t like that. think about the martial arts prodigy kids you’ve met. are they like that? no of course not. what about you, with your plans to be a priest—because that was as close to magic as you could get, other than writing, which was what you wanted to do early on, or directing, but go that stamped out of you by that …
no, Jude issn’t like that.
i would like to see the worlds jude builds. i think its lazy and stupid to avoid depicting altiriopias by killing off the messiah or hero or whatever right after the magical threat they are facing goes down. I want to write stories where renters take on the property management corpx
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I dreamt about a strange zoo the other night.
i got porcupine needles in my hand and itt hurt
there was a bat so large it could barely fly
bears, bigs, sheep, goats in a billy goats gruff scene, mt. rushmore and the Old West kingdom at Disneyland™
climbing between cliff ravines gulleys wait what aree gulleys
patriotism is a weird zoo
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i miss writing in google docs. i am going to keep writing on my website directly open as an option, but i’ve been exclied from google docs for so longg. like the rest of academia. its going to be a long process of getting back to academia, but i’m ok with that i think
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the long crisis. i think that might be a name for it.
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!Change to Notes folder (that’s my take //action// item symbol!)
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I hope Levi’s kitten is doing better. Matteo did a spell for him and i drew a prayer.
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As a kid i multiple times lobbied for non-singing base art as worship, or at leaast a concession that singing was not the only possible form of art as worship , that others existed (even thoguh that kind of talk always makes episcipalians uncomfortable.)
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I don’t spell check these notes by the way
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i like having a blog as a project. a project of projects. its nice. its taken me a long time to feel like i can bring anything to any kind of space, writing wise. i really like having a low stakes publicity practice.
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i wonder what Jude is shy about, what he has anxiety and mental blocks and shit about.
he’s had to learn a lot of languages.
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what if christianity had evolved such that living prophets, messiahs, etc are habitually still among us, perhaps reincarnaation, perhaps other forms of identification from birth/young adulthood
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!Research the lives of child gods, lamas, et cetera. For example, read that book From Goddess to Mortal (?) that you have on your bookshelf.
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Second person speaking first. i am a you before i am an i. you are you before you are an i. i call you you and then you think and reject or accept what i say as an “I”.
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i can definitely type up my freewriting exercise here in notes! there’s no rule it has to start as an essay! I’ve been strugeling with that idea all along
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here’s the thing about cutting: it works. that’s the perspective i’m coming at it from. because both the vast majority of writing i read and even a lot of what i’ve been writing this whole time operates at a second degree removal. like,, yes, we, the already-always-can’t-understand audiance, must nonetheless give credence to the idea that it might work for some weird, other people. And I’m sorry to inform the partisans of said-inclined demographic, but that asks for too little. Cutting works, and in some circumstances, having weighed some factors, it would be an easy choice for me to start cutting again. I know cutting works because i’ve used it to save myself. What I want to find out are the [et& et cetera et xeno blah blah blah] around this premise.
[Footnote text: for example, political history, how to have solidarity with other cutter, how we are stigmitized, how we are institutionalized, regulated, … ]
S/N1:
This wasn’t always the case. for a long time, i approached this project as a rather more defensive exploration of the “political meaning” of cutting, so here/sometimes at leaast I will try to steer clear of that mindset.
S/N2:
Not thatt this was an a prriori realization on my part. the point is that i used to belive along with much of the socialization/social imaginary/ideology/media that cutting was more or less incomprehensible, even/especially to those who do it, which is a really weird (mansplaining but for…neurodivergence? neurotipsplaining?) epistemic prejudice to project onto us.
I guess I would also like my work to help build towards an us, a political us, a self-understanding us, at an academic level, to supply some kind of political theory of cutting, or at least make some slashes at it (lol there might be a lot of freudian slips of the tongue/knife in this. lmao)
i have shared self-injurious behavior patterns with probably the only ER nurse who i don’t consider outright medically abusive to me (in the context of psychological crisis care). she read my scars and initially the pitty was neauseating, the recognition/classification.
my father had this idk in retrospect protestant work ethic individualsim that NOTHING about thwat people think of you matters, just be your (lonely angry miserly) unique (self private property rights owning) self. you are, after all, your own private property. but like, woah dude our bodies are the bodies of social creatures, you know not just wwith our “M I N D” but with your brain, your chest fat (in my case), the muscle spasm of one knee and then the other, the guardedness of your hands and the grease of your tongue what other people’s signals of what you mean to them and they mean towards you and for you and of you has a very “real” very “material” impact on you.
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I heard about a youtube doctor who, as far as youtube medical content goes, was par-for-the-course, in re that genre of content when he said, re diagnosticology (IDK what they call the subdivisions of whatever perverse magics they practice):
“There are two types of problems a paitent may be expirencing. Real and Psychological”
*…
*…
*…
.S .L .O .W.
…
.C .L .A .P .I.N.G.***
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Anyway:
Cutting works
That ER nurse did just about the only thin i think anyone could have done to offer me any kind of solace in the cold dead sea everyone was getting read for ETMing. she casually rolled up her own sleave and remarked on how these cuts fade with a kinda exponential
diminishing return? idk diminishing return. even now, years after the last night, i can find crisscrossing thin white lines intradermal? subterranian white rivers under the topography of sunburns and arm hairs
but yeah this nurse showed me her own scars and it was like i dont remember her words so whose to say but i have the impression it was like, simultaniously and non-opposed/dialecticallly? monadically? idk, BOTH “they can heal really (nicely? cleanly? subbtly)” AND “they don’t go away.
when you want to cut, and people teell you noooo dooon’t yoooourre (t/s)ooo sexxy
its an oof.
theey just tryy to take it away, most of the time, to stop it, negatee it, no, ignore itt,? pass it right by?
I don’t like the language of “positivity”/positivism, and in some post-Marxist circles its become popular/new radical in a vaguely optomistic/empowering/celebratory type way to re-affirm/re-claim “the positive,” but to me it doesn’t work because the intervention of the negative is that, for me at least, the positive doesn’t even mean positive on its own, its naturalized to the point of meaning neutral existence, and only becomes proactively positive vis a vis the dialectic with the negative. and rather then reclaiming the positive i want to try to put the whole of the dialectic in the mad mouth
mad is so important. growing up i didn’t allow myself to be mad. growing ill i could see that sad stony resolve is really the only socially accepted way of being non-functional. and when i celebrate my expirences which are inseperable from my madness, it is policed, it is actioned- and beliefed-against. aand so also defying this policiing might not overcome it, or even directly move towards overcoming it, in the sense of abolishing it or changing it or even avoiding it, but that doesn’t mean its not important
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“All of this is important.”
#NHFP
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my boyfriend showed me this review and i just deadass dropped his phone in horror. In this DIY, the D stands for Don’t
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manophobia? fear of the hands. dexterphobia? fear of the right hand.
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a small town called Sinister, Oregon, which is sister cities with Dexter, Oregon. touchstones: Night Vale, Wild Wild Country, …
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!Watch Wild Wild Country with Belle?
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earlier today i was imagining the story of small dessert town, the largest hub for maybe 45-90 miles around depending on the direction, and maybe through cellular democracy and through renters unions and churches and situationist tactics and the punk scene and other vantagee points we see a revolution occur, maybe the governor disolves the town aand sends in a former city councilor as acting mayor? idk what to lay down the law and they resist in various creative wways and possiblities can be explored.
!read that book about the midwestern town with the two moons
!study hindu political science and history vis-a-vis rajachakras
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well i think that’s it for now. Solidarity from the Impossible Society
-Januly 31st, 26:58 (O’C, Hundred Hours, …)
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angelicadre : a cadre of angels, an angelic cadre.
the angels aare totalitarian direct democracy ultra conservative communist monk supepsy superspiies
yeah that’s actually kind of an interesting angle!
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i should gather up a list of ideas i like when i go back through these and leave it in the comments lol
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-July 31, 27:23
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“he wished to not exist because everything would be betterr if he didn’t exist and it wwas
“The truth is we would all be better off if certain people didn’t exist. I think we all know wwho they are. I dodn’t need to list all their names and a`dresses (for us right now). but i will anywaay.
“Subscribe to my OnlyFans to see my hit list.”